Not Until it Feels Like a Hozier Song

I’m sick again, lol. God’s making me slow down, reflect even.

When I was eighteen, thee mister Kellin Quinn of Sleeping with Sirens (emo, I know), took a piece of paper, leaned against my back and wrote a statement I get asked about nearly daily. It’s tattooed on my forearm, and reads “ I don’t wanna die without living”, followed by a signature that looks like the 100 symbol. But it’s true, then, and still now, I want to live every day, living. Now you’re thinking, Zuri (is that her name?) - living means something different to everyone. I’ll ask at work, “how are you?”…I’m here.

I want to be more than here.

Now that doesn’t take away from here, as i’ve graced those years, of not even wanting ‘here’. But that’s the start. It’s quite literally the easiest thing to be existing, but not living. What’s hard, is the choice to get out of bed, to take medication, go to work, etc. Even if the reason is you need financial stability, it’s a reason. I need to make a living, to keep on living. To me that means showing up for my loved ones, living every day for God, and being blessed enough that no matter how much or little I make, to nourish my spirit and that of my community. Things I might not have been able to have when I was younger (though my parents would say I got everything I wanted - except a butterscotch pony and a sister). But I was alone, watching orange VHS tapes & ‘Because of Winn-Dixie” (over and over) - my choice. Now, if it doesn’t feel like a Hozier song, I gotta change that - because it’s my choice.

Signed Zuri, on Sunday, March 15th, 2026, at age 26, because this is the only day I'll have this day right here. There’s many more, God willing. They might feel like the same day and even blend harmoniously, but actively let it play, flip it like a record, and start again.

We don’t need to die to live, He already did that. Live and live and live and live, like someone would die for you, because They have.